An In-Depth Debate About Depression (Using Fridge Magnets)

 A quarter of all American women ages 40 to 59 are

currently taking anti-depressants.

 

One third of those women are NOT clinically diagnosed with depression.

(They're just unhappy)

The truth is, most of us take some form of drug to get through life's ups and downs.

So what's wrong with a bit of Soma?

Transhumanists believe that pain relief of the mind is the future.

If we had a pill to make us happy combined with a greater capacity for learning, love, empathy and emotional depth, would we continue to evolve?

The Hedonistic Imperative  

 outlines how "states of sublime well-being are destined to become the genetically pre-programmed norm of mental health." 

*******

 Hmmm. I started out mildly outraged at the number of (mostly women) taking anti-depressants until I remembered just how much I like to sedate myself with alcohol most evenings. 

Thinking about anti-depressants and their popularity has inspired me to consider the meaning of life, our emotional and spiritual evolution, the role that drugs have in relation to our well being, the race toward perfection and how that too, can erode our happiness.

If the future is a world where, like physical pain, suffering is abolished, will we be better off?

My first instinct was to scream NO, but maybe the answer is YES.

Future happiness pills may not turn us into Aldous Huxley's catatonic conformists but into richer and more highly evolved 'transhumans'.

An evolution of consciousness.

What do you think?

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Hypnotherapy and Resistance to Sexual Pleasure

There are many ways to explore the root of one's resistance to sexual pleasure. Recently I spoke to Tanishka, a tantrica whose approach to healing and enlightenment is through spiritual practice. Today I ask a Melbourne hypnotherapist, Jenni Selwood, about her work with women for whom sexual pleasure remains elusive.
Some women find it difficult to masturbate themselves to orgasm and others, while they have little trouble self pleasuring, cannot fully relax enough to experience orgasm with a partner.
When there is resistance to sexual pleasure, relationships suffer and sexual confidence and power is eroded.

You're a hypnotherapist working in Melbourne.

Yes, I'm a Hypnotherapist and Psychotherapist based in Carlton. I studied Clinical Hypnotherapy 11 years ago and have since been using Hypnotherapy as the main modality of my practice. Prior to that, I worked as a Counseling and Group therapapy for 9 years.

Why specialize in sexual issues?

Specializing in sexual issues was actually something that virtually fell into my lap. I remember really enjoying studying sexually related issues but didn't initially specialize in this field.  I have a strong practice where I work mainly with women (and a small number of men) who have over-eating disorders and weight related self esteem problems. Consequently this lead onto sex therapy as the majority of clients feel inhibited regarding theirs bodies in a sexual manner as well as weight being a major contributor in sexual dysfunction.

Is your work primarily with women or do you see men too?

The majority of my clients are women. Probably around 98 percent. I do see men for self esteem, weight and other issues but refer on for sexual dysfunction.

What kinds of issues inhibit our ability to be sexually confident?

The most common issue I come across in regards to sexual confidence is weight and body issues as well as early childhood programming, stress and lack of confidence. I also see quite a number of clients who have experienced trauma and abuse which effects their ability to trust and therefore relax their inhibitions.

How much hypnotherapy do people generally need for it to be successful?

The majority of people have major change after only a few sessions of Hypnotherapy but many decide to continue on even after that as they find it a really enjoyable experience and become quite enthusiastic in regards to their personal evolution.

If you don't know why you have resistance, can you still help or do you need a clear idea of why a person is holding back?

One of the great things about Hypnotherapy is the client can have virtually no conscious knowledge as to why they are experiencing sexual dysfunction or inhibitions and with as little as one session, their life, experiences and behaviors become clear and make way for change and freedom.
When using Hypnotherapy, the client delves deep into their sub-conscious mind. The sub-conscious mind is the driver of our life in regards to how we feel about things, what we believe etc. and therefore in that deep state, we are open to change, realizations and catharsis.

I get brilliant feedback from my clients. Out of well over 2000 clients I can only remember 2 off hand which haven't been able to relax enough to allow hypnosis to work. With both those clients, I then used another form of psychotherapy which suited them more appropriately.

Thank you Jenni. 

Hypnotherapy is such a fascinating subject and I've always been interested in the way in which it can unlock parts of our subconscious and help us to improve our lives. Most of us I think, have issues that hold us back from being the best we can be in all aspects of our lives, and naturally, it's the things we aren't aware of that are so difficult to change. In fact, I'm so fascinated, I'm going to ask Jenni for some hypnosis myself and see what might be holding me back from superstardom. Stay tuned!

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Fantasy And The Sexual Psyche

Do you use fantasy to enhance your sexual experience, to bring you to orgasm? Many of us aren’t so sure about the role fantasy can and should play within our relationships. The very nature of our erotic imagination and what it may reveal, can make us uncomfortable, confused and guilty. Yet our fantasies reflect a deep well of sexual psychology and when examined, can unlock and free our true erotic nature.

By its very definition, fantasy (that which is improbable or unrealistic) is a forbidden landscape of sexual desire. When lust collides with taboo it releases us, and the goal - orgasm - is achieved. It is within the mind that we can be fully realised sexually, yet there can be a measure of guilt within that realisation. When we explore the strange, taboo, ‘abnormal’ realm of fantasy - the fantasy that brings us to orgasm - we can begin to understand our unique sexual psyche. "It is the mind that carries the genesis of sexual life, inhibits us from orgasm or releases us."

Nancy Friday, suggests that fantasy and masturbation are very closely tied, and that for women, masturbation without fantasy is rare. It is from our very earliest experience of our sexual self that fear, the forbidden, anger and the desire for control are born. "Fantasy is where the sexual drive does battle with the opposing emotions, the selection of which comes out of our individual lives, our earliest sexual histories. What were the forbidden feelings we took in as we grew?"

Even if we were brought up to love our bodies and feel no guilt, we have generations of judgement, fear, guilt and suppression in our collective subconscious. We may feel that we are sexually liberated, yet the majority of us, men and women, still feel embarrassed buying a sex toy for example - admitting that we masturbate and able to provide our own pleasure.

Where once, not so long ago, masturbation was considered ‘bad’, today women must contend with mental shame associated with their genitals. Women are still being taught that their vulvas aren’t pretty enough or clean enough and pornographic images are endlessly photoshopped so they don’t have to see their intrinsic ‘ugliness’.  Men are reminded that they have to be well endowed, have warrior like endurance and be able to satiate the most demanding partner.

It is fantasy that lifts us above our fear of reprisals and guilt and into the forbidden interior world that is our own sexual psyche.

Within our relationships, the use of fantasy to give us sexual release can still fill us with shame and remorse. We believe that it should be our partner who provides satisfaction and climax, not ourselves. Fantasy and masturbation disempower our lovers and give us a measure of sexual autonomy. It is that autonomy, the power of our deep erotic nature that can threaten us.

The beauty of a rich fantasy life, is that it allows us to explore the limits or our true erotic nature. When we examine our inner sexual landscape, we are given the tools to understand ourselves more fully and free ourselves from society’s rules. We are fuller and more whole, able to give of ourselves more truly to our lovers and richly rewarded with a deeper sexual life.

All quotes from Women On Top, by Nancy Friday
Images by Jan Saudek

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Day 21 Blog # A Few Of My Favourite Things

Tongue, mouth, muff and scrotum 
labia, cock, nipples and breasts 
are a selection of certain body parts 
that feel lovely when caressed 
 
Spunk, jism, juices and belly 
cuffs, lubricant and fist 
condoms, hips and slapping 
are others on the list 
of particular words 
and various terms 
that bring a rise in vaginal lubrication 
and the active movement of sperm 
 
Penis, member, dick and prick 
shaven, bushy, flaps and candlestick 
are others that cum to mind 
with the subject matter in kind 
 
Bondage, tied, fingered and pried 
tugging, stroking, being eaten alive 
lubricant, foreskin, clitoral hood 
rock hard erection, tight buns 
and good wood 
 
Anus, orgasm, ejaculate, spank 
bum, lips, pudenda 
having a wank 
 
Legs akimbo 
sixty nine 
mound of venus 
spread eagled 
doggy style 
reverse cowgirl 
missionary 
or illegal 
 
With a partner 
or alone 
in an orgy 
via phone 
 
Over lunch 
over dinner 
with a loser 
with a winner 
 
Trans Atlantic 
Trans Pacific 
buzzcut bikie femme butch dyke 
or fairly non-specific 
 
In the evening 
or the morning 
hours of foreplay 
or without warning 
 
These are a few of my favorite things 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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Day 20 Blog # Crunch That Pelvic Floor!

Today I'm interviewing Michelle Wright of Mishfit because so many of us need to understand the importance of a strong pelvic floor and she's the expert! Read her amazing, scary, 'uplifting' story and see if it doesn't motivate you.

What has inspired you to specialise in pelvic floor issues?

I had one birth with lots of intervention and the other was a C- section. Both were fairly big babies… yet my pelvic floor survived (knowing what I know now, I think this is rather amazing!). But it was re-joining the gym and believing my body was like it was pre-natally and the fitness professionals never telling me any different, that nearly pushed me to prolapse. I decided to change career from teacher to a Body Pump instructor, but having to wear incontinence pads on stage forced me to take stock of my own body and finally get help. When I did, the advice was not to exercise "so hard", otherwise I would be having surgery for my failing pelvic floor.

Being a single mum and with my family living overseas, I could not even contemplate having the surgery or going through the post-operative care on my own with two small children. And I was embarrassed. I thought I was the only one! So I endeavoured to find out more about my own body and how I could sort it out without having surgery. What I learnt along the way astounded me! I learnt that in the class of mums that I exercised with at the gym most mornings, one-third of us would have been leaking. Yet we never spoke of it. I also learnt that incorporating pelvic floor during exercise meant that I didn't have to give up the exercise I loved and it helped me to attain what I really wanted — a flat belly. I also really enjoyed the positive side effect of stronger orgasms and a stronger pelvic floor made sex much more enjoyable for my partner. A weak pelvic floor is not just the prerogative of the post-natal or elderly. 50% of all women aged 50 and under, regardless of whether they have had children will suffer from some form of pelvic floor disfunction. This equates to about 4.8 million women in Australia

Yet it was almost like this most fabulous knowledge to remedy my own situation had been kept from me! Why didn't people tell me?! I figured, as embarrassing as it was to admit to my own pelvic floor issues, I needed to in order to start the conversation. Based on this personal experience I continued my training, became a Personal Trainer and created mishfit to become a leader in the pregnant and post-natal exercise field. Interestingly a few years later, I went back to my course work and text books to find a diagram of pelvic floor and found there was none. The reason that fitness professionals omit to tell you about pelvic floor (and safe exercise options to go with it) is that they are not taught that it is a muscle. Yet it is the only muscle responsible for keeping our insides up and inside and it is missing from all training!

You're becoming more well known for your work on pelvic floor exercise. What does it feel like knowing that when people think of you they start clenching?

I love it! I love it! I love it! But what I always remind them is that they are probably doing their short sharp little holds. These are fabulous and important for sneezes, coughs and laughter. But you must also make the time for the longer holds… this means that you won't have to navigate your world via where toilets are. It also gives you time to find your keys, open the door and get to the loo or even making it to the end of the movie.
Meet me and clench away :)

What are the benefits of pelvic floor exercise?

I think this can simply be answered:-
1) stop you leaking wee or poo
2) increase your time of "holding on"
3) longer, stronger orgasms (what's not to love about that one!)
4) a flatter tummy
5) support for your lower back or give reprieve from any pelvic instability (or commonly called pelvic girdle pain)

Those women we've all seen throwing ping pong balls out of their vaginas, do they have awesome muscle tone?

Ah, I think yes. On the other end of the scale, I have clients who are unable to hold a tampon inside (it literally falls out).

I've heard that geishas could insert ben wah balls and roll them around and around a man's penis when he was inside her. Is that true?

I am not sure about that personally… but it sounds like lots of fun… do you sell them @ Passionfruit? (Yes)

What about prolapse? It's very common yet we don't hear much about it.

You are so right - you don't hear much about prolapse… unless your sister, mother or yourself has experienced it. Unfortunately, this is a much more common event than you think - with the latest statistics being about 4 out of 10 women being affected post natally. A prolapse is when parts of your inside (held up by your pelvic floor) fall through the pelvic floor. Interestingly, surgery obviously can "fix" it, but research has shown that prolapse will re-occur if significant changes are not made to lifestyle. This can mean a whole range of things from obesity, smoking (therefore coughing more than the average person), constipation, and age (gravity sucks) will all add extra downward pressure on the pelvic floor. Or exercising incorrectly. The pelvic floor is like every other muscle in the body: if we don't exercise it, it will grow slack and not be able to support and adequately do the job it was designed to do.
It also doesn't help that we are constantly told to engage our core, but without adequate understanding of the mechanics. Many women just suck their tummies in, and therefore increase the downward pressure! A good rule of thumb is when you hear core, understand it as "floor" and draw up before sucking in.

I am releasing a double CD called Active Pelvic Practice - the gift of inner strength that is all about exercising pelvic floor to embrace all those positive side effects mentioned above. One is a meditative CD, designed to be listened to in bed before going to sleep to help not only relax the body, but also isolate and exercise pelvic floor muscle contraction. It is very easy to drift off to sleep afterwards.
The second CD is about active practice and is designed to be used while sitting or standing and then as you get more confident you can use it as you do other things, such as housework, walking, working out at the gym. The beauty of this CD is that is a mere 10 minutes long and very easily to be incorporated into every day life. Using your pelvic floor should be a functional exercise. An example of functional exercise is a squat when you bend down to pick up the washing basket and activating your pelvic floor at the same time. A much cheaper and healthy alternative to surgery!

For more information please follow the updates on www.facebook.com/mishfit

Thanks Mish. I hope you're all encouraged to start on a pelvic floor exercise program today!

To help you along, Mish and I are giving away one of her new Active Pelvic Practice CD's and a set of Lelo Luna Balls from Passionfruit - a wonderful weight system designed to improve pelvic muscle tone. 
(VALUE $120.00)

Email me at pfruit@bigpond.net.au with the subject title
Pelvic Practice Competition
for your chance to WIN.
Entries close 31st December 2011.
Good luck!

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Day 19 Blog # Choose Your Weapon

There's an overwhelming feeling, like being a kid in a candy store, that engulfs many women who try to choose a vibrator.
Whether it's for the first time, the tenth time or just the longest time, the choices are so varied that she might feel like giving up and remaining a toy virgin, and that would be a shame.
Fear no more girlfriends because here's my tried and true method for finding your best buddy, but be warned - it's easier than you think so there's really no excuse.

The secret is that there's really only three types of vibrators.

1. Clitoral Stimulators

 2. Internal Shafts

 3. Dual Action Vibrators (clitoral stimulator and shaft together)










All you have to do, is figure out which one is going to suit your needs best.

 (Just kidding)












So what does it for You?

If you're wanting to have some fun on your own, there's nothing like a good clitoral stimulator - they really work much better than your own fingers. They're also great to use during sex to help you have that rare, simultaneous orgasm with your partner, or just to enhance the feeling of penetration. Of all the millions of vibrators available, the clitoral stimulator is my number one choice for most girls.

My favourite clitoral stimulators (1) are:-

a) 7 Deadly Sins - not the prettiest, but affordable, SUPER strong and very effective.
b) Bullet - no pesky wires, strong, discreet and cheap.
c) Siri - rechargeable (just like your phone), strong, multi-speed and very pretty.

 Sometimes, just an internal vibrator hits the spot. A single girl who hasn't got her own penis to penetrate her might crave only that. Of course luckily, a good vibrating shaft can be used externally as well to satisfy the demanding clitoral bud. A simple vibrating shaft, or non-vibrating dildo also has the added bonus of being the extra penis during sex play. Your partner might love to fuck you with a dildo and watch 'another man' do the business! Excellent for fantasy and role play!

My favourite internal shafts (2) are:-

a) Calla - rechargeable, delectably pink, soft and pretty yet strong as an ox and has the added bonus of a flanged base so it butts up against the clitoris.
b) Gigi - rechargeable, shaped to target the G-Spot and has a nice flat, wide tip for clitoral play. It's hard and inflexible.
c) Sunrise - soft, smooth silicone, nice average proportions, lots of speeds and rhythms and affordable.

The dual action vibrator satisfies the most demanding of us all - when only internal penetration plus clitoral stimulation will do. The traditional 'rabbit' style vibrators have long been a girls' best friend but nowadays there are so many superior styles on the market, they really make the rabbits look like fossils.

My favourite dual action vibrators (3) are:-

a) Mini Salsa - it's small (but that doesn't matter because it targets the nerve centres), rechargeable, silicone smooth, soft and it's very cute!
b) Soraya - it looks like an Alessi appliance, it's rechargeable, waterproof and gorgeous.
c) Senseii - if you love a rabbit, then this one is the best because it's made of silicone so it's super soft where others are forceful and rigid. The rabbit 'ears' flutter like tongues on your clitoris in a delightfully heavenly manner.

There are many variations of these three types of vibrators, and then of course there are all sorts of fun novelties like vibrating cock rings, remote controlled eggs, butt toys and non vibrating dildos made of silicone, glass and stainless steel. But for a good trusty toy that will do it for you every time, take these three types of toys into consideration and choose your weapon.

Illustrations are by Betty Dodson, America's Number 1 Sex Educator.

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Day 18 Blog # The Feted & The Hated

Our Nurses

Devalued (poorly paid) : Idealised

Our Sex Workers

Valued (well paid) : Vilified

Our Icons

Valued (well paid) : Idealised

Our Youth

Confused

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Day 17 Blog # My Top Three Porno's

It's got to be one of the questions I get asked the most: "What's a good porno?"
Here's my top three.

1. An Open Invitation, A Real Swingers Party In San Francisco (Private Independent 02) - DVD

Private aren't usually one of my favourite purveyors of porn, tending to be all about HIM - fake boobs, formulaic sex and hours of pumping with the typical money shot at the end. BORING!
'An Open Invitation' however has definite couples appeal, combining storyline, natural actors, hot sex scenes and great locations - the last being an actual swingers party in San Francisco. Fabulous!
Women love this dvd because it's hardcore without being aimed at men only. Too many 'women friendly' porno's are just too soft or too cheesy.
This one ticks all the boxes and stands as a Passionfruit fave.

2. Street Heat 1 (Joybear) - DVD

You could call this the ABC of porn as opposed to the Foxtel. The British love of 'natural' as opposed to the hyper-reality loved by Americans works a treat for the porn genre. 'Streetheat' combines innocence and sex in just the right measure and delivers realistic, believable scenarios. Here, the Streetheat crew stop some very pretty girls on the streets of London and persuade them to become stars in their own porno. It's irresistibly voyeuristic with an unbeatable mix of amateur sex and professional production.

3. Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide To Female Orgasms (Vivid Ed) - DVD

Tristan Taormino is this great mix of nerdy looking American sex educator and super hard core, feminist porn star. I love her!
Ms Taormino doesn't don the 'expert' moniker for nothing. She gives a wholly educational, explicit, no-holes-barred, sensual and straightforward program designed to teach you how to have orgasms and improve them. Her honest instruction utilises diagrams, a handmade velvet anatomical interpretation and best of all, five couples who show the viewer exactly how it's done. It's not gratuitous or overdone, the models are natural and open, and the information is clear, precise, inclusive and helpful. Some of our favourite sex toys, such as the We-Vibe and the Pure Wand are featured as tools to improve lovemaking and showcase the stunning diversity of female orgasm. Excellent.

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Day 16 Blog # And My Third Liebster Award Goes To....

A few weeks ago I was given a Liebster Award for blogging.
Upon being bestowed with the award, the blogger (me) should then nominate three more blossoming bloggers they admire.
Embarrassingly, I could only think of two!
Today I proudly announce my third nomination.

Daniella Germaine and her blog 'And Now I Am Broke'.



This is a very sweet blog created by a Melbourne girl who spent her last $300.00 on a pair of Camper boots. I have to say, she got me on that first, very revealing, fun little fact. I immediately saw a lot of myself in Daniella Germaine, having spent most of the money I've ever earned on that which makes me happy (as opposed to wealthy).

I'm in love with the notion that life is a journey and you never really know where you're going to end up. I think Daniella has captured that feeling by tracing the consequences of her $300.00 purchase in such a whimsical way.

Check out her blog and smile at all the things she does to fill up her life.
When I make my next ridiculous purchase, I'm going to think of Daniella and remember that it's money well spent.

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Bay 15 Blog # A Poem Just Because I Love Them

She laughed with a knowing
glint in her eyes
as I talked of whorls and whirls,
short skirt
and leather knee high boots
She was that kind of girl

I met her in a bar
down in old Denyo
she bought me a drink
looked me over and said
" come on , let's go "

The drift of her mind
blew gently through mine
as she,
smiled a rose
slowly unfurling it's petals
to the sun

Her skin was alabaster - snow
my being was on fire
the liquid that trickled between our bodies
molten with desire

We did it left
we did it right
we did it upside down
we did it for one hour straight
with our feet never touching the ground

And as our flesh heaved and meshed furiously
she maintained eye contact somewhat curiously
an ethereal sprite
tuned to another calling
engrossed in the moment
yet somehow falling
away

There's a crack in the can
where the rust has eaten through
it lets in shafts of sunlight
that no longer get to you
no longer does it hold content
and neither more do you

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Day 14 Blog # Resistance to Sexual Pleasure

Most of us are lucky enough to orgasm easily and often, but for others, it can be elusive.
Some women find it difficult to masturbate themselves to orgasm and others, while they have little trouble self pleasuring, cannot fully relax enough to experience orgasm with a partner.
When there is resistance to sexual pleasure, relationships suffer and sexual confidence and power is eroded.
There are many ways to explore the root of one's resistance to sexual pleasure, and in today's blog, I'm talking to Tanishka who works as a 'tantrica' and helps women and couples to be more sexually open.

What is a 'tantrika'?

I heard this term & without researching what it meant, intuitively knew it described perfectly what I do, so rather than a text book description this is mine: A Tantrika practices & facilitates other's through Tantric practices. This covers a broad range of services so not every Tantrika works as a sexual healer. I work as a private Tantric coach for couples, initiating them through kundalini raising practices & increasing emotional intimacy. I give them sensual & sexual homework but we all keep our clothes on in my sessions.

How can tantra improve your sex life?

Tantra means to weave, hence the emblem of the entwined serpents. When we see our union as a temple for soul growth, we embrace practices that deepen soul to soul intimacy. When we are connected emotionally, mentally & energetically the physical dance of creativity becomes a symphony greater than any manual that focuses on individual body parts could hope to imagine. Tantra invites all our hidden aspects out to be safely explored so monogamy is never boring or predictable as so many different archetypal energies surface spontaneously to be expressed, including the masculine & feminine polarities of each partner.

In what way can your work benefit those with sexual blockages?

Where there's resistance there's fear. Where's there's numbness there's pain, such as for many women post birth trauma. I hold a safe space with both individuals & couples to journey into the psyche using whatever processes feel intuitively right such as archetypal meditations, crystal healing (non-invasive), time line regression (which can illuminate past life traumas), art therapy, even working with a yoni puppet to give women's vulvas a voice. This enables us to identify the root cause & simply hold a supported space for them to release the associated pain out of all their bodies. I then assist them in creating appropriate boundaries so they can confidently claim back their sexual power.

A goddess has no constraints. How does a woman access her 'inner goddess' and realise her full sexual potential?

Well, honestly I wrote the book I wish had been there for me! 'The Inner Goddess Makeover' which is a step by step workbook for women to meet & unveil the 7 universal aspects of the feminine psyche, which when understood & expressed unblock the life force in the 7 major chakras which they govern so a woman's Shakti (Goddess essence) awakens as an inner serpent of kundalini (life force) raising her inner light, consciousness, vitality, health, self-awareness & empowerment. (Makes Oil of Ulan look like snake oil! heh heh)

We see so many women in the media dieting and going to extreme lengths to be 'perfect'. How can women be more accepting of their looks and bodies and have more self confidence?

The media is invested in undermining women's self perception so they will spend more to 'improve' themselves. So limit your exposure to this corporate propaganda. Mute the ads, don't buy trash mags & take a book to the doctor's surgery. Secondly by attending women's empowerment workshops, red tent circles & reading books which affirm the natural beauty, strengths & wisdom of the feminine which is in all of us, regardless of our age, dress size, skin complexion, hair colour or race.

Stay tuned for my next interview with Jenni Selwood, who works as a hypnotherapist in Melbourne, specialising in sexual issues.

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Day 13 Blog # A Funny Story

People often remark that in my job I must hear a lot of funny stories.
"You must have loads of wild stuff to write about" they say.
In reality, most of my customers are ordinary people like you and me.

In fact, the more everyday stores I've worked in have often provided much more interesting fodder than Passionfruit.
We don't attract the seedy element because it's just not that sort of store, and we don't get much of the really out there crowd either.

As I said, the majority of people I speak to are just like me.
It's a bit of a let down I guess, that I can't regale you with tales of high sexual adventure, infidelity, menage a trois, swinging sex parties and secret rendevoux featuring treasure chests of sex toys (although that wouldn't be unusual).

Most customers are simply interested in ways to improve their sex lives and have some fun.
They talk about orgasms, g-spots, foreplay, oral sex, phone sex, old sex toys, new sex toys, porn, great sex and boring sex.
The fact is, we all have sex. It's very ordinary.
It still astounds me that something so normal is so goddamn fascinating.
Funny isn't it?

I have to say, that one of the more baffling moments came when a woman was led through the curtain in to the back room and, surrounded by a cornocopia of sex toys asked,
"Do you sell vibrators"?
Must've been a catholic.

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Day 12 Blog # Love Letter

I love love letters.
My (now) husband wooed me with his letters of love and longing and he can still make me swoon with his poetry 25 years later.
In fact, even his marriage proposal was a lengthy letter of love.
How could a girl resist?

At Passionfruit, I often talk to women about ways to be more creative in the bedroom - things she can do to really make her lover drool with lust for her.
Suffice to say, it isn't always that difficult.

To hold a woman in the palm of a man's hand however, takes more than mere sexual prowess (although that can count for a lot if he's completely devoted to the art).
A handful of enchanting words have the power to move, transform, draw and enfold; love that may otherwise be ephemeral.

'Love letter, love letter,
Go get her, go get her.'

When writing a woman a love letter, a man is not telling her what a brilliant organiser, superwoman, cook, mother, lover she is.
He is appealing to her most sentimental, romantic, feminine, sensuous qualities.

The best love letters let her know that he is the man and she is the woman.
She is worth crossing oceans for, hailing chariots of angels for and banishing all demons for - just to be with her, to fill her up and adore her.
A love letter transforms a mere girl, into an icon, a goddess, a woman, and gives the writer the qualities of the warrior, the champion and the protector.

The best love letters, compel a woman to understand the truth of love.
They make her remember (because she has always known it) that love is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
In the detached, cold world of tweets and texts, it is the heartfelt, poetic ballad of longing, lust, devotion and yearning that conquers.

BRING IT ON

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Day 11 Blog # Gay Marriage

I am puzzled by the arguments against same sex marriage.
Confused, bewildered, nonplussed and flummoxed.
I've read many arguments for and against and I'm still mystified by it all.
None of it makes any sense.
No, gay marriage is not traditional, but my marriage isn't traditional either.
I didn't marry for social, legal or economic reasons and my father didn't choose my mate.

A MODERN MOTHER'S FAMILY
(mother at centre in pink)

(from left to right - daughter from second marriage, grandson, stepdaughter in-law, granddaughter in-law, granddaughter in-law from husband's third marriage, grandson in-law from third husband's second marriage, adopted son, gay son's son via surrogacy, first husband's second wife, daughter, my third husband's daughter, my third husband's daughter's stepson, my third husband's daughter's other stepson, my bisexual fuckbuddy and his triplets from his first marriage).

I'm pretty sure Christmas and Easter aren't celebrated in the traditional way any more either but they haven't been banned, nor will they ever be.

(nice and traditional)

Marriage isn’t for procreation any more either. Anyone can do it.

Even gay people!!!

What confuses is me most in this debate, is why our government would make it legal for gay people to have children and then endlessly debate whether or not they should let them get married as well.
See my confusion?
It’s the wrong way around. It’s not logical.

The modern reason for marriage is only love (and some legal, protective issues).

Love
Love
Love
Love

Why would anyone want to ban love?
Surely it could only be the mean spirited or the bigoted or the homophobic - and we have laws that protect us against these people, so that's confusing me too.

It's pretty widely understood that the government are afraid of the Christian right who are the leaders in the argument against same sex marriage.

(go figure)

Plenty of people, when grilled on why they don't support gay marriage, can't really explain it. They just think it's wrong - yet many religions and churches support it.


And there it is.
It all comes down to anal sex.
People can’t handle it.
When they think ‘gay’, they picture anal sex and it disturbs them.
I wonder why?
Perhaps they've either been abused and sodomised (probably by their local priest) or they have gay fantasies that they're ashamed of.
There's just no other logical explanation.
Now there's a debate to have at your next barbeque.

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Day 10 Blog # Land a Lelo Lyla on your Lap

WANT ONE?

Passionfruit invite you to email us with details of your night out with the new
Lelo Sensemotion Lyla
- the hot little vibrating egg that rocks around inside while your trembling lipped partner controls proceedings - for your chance to WIN (worth $159.00).
Just tell us about your wildest fantasy starring Lyla!
The winner will be notified and asked if they would like their entry published anonymously on the Passionfruit blog.
Send your entry to pfruit@bigpond.net.au with the subject 'Night with Lyla'.
Have fun!

Make sure it's better than this ridiculous video!

Competition closes December 31st 2011

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Day 9 Blog # Sex & Our Changing Bodies

Many of the discussions we have with customers are about sex and our changing bodies.
Whether it be through childbirth, illness, menopause or a kaleidoscope of other issues, the changes that result can heavily impact our confidence, relationships and wellbeing.
For several years, we've been involved with The Cancer Council as well as The Oncology units of many of Melbourne's hospitals.
Many cancer sufferers get little or no information on the effects that cancer and its treatments have on relationships, yet the reality is that after dealing with everything else, sex and intimacy are vital and the ramifications have to be dealt with sooner or later.

Here's a quick summary of some of the physical effects of cancer treatments as I've come to understand them.

1. Closing up of the vagina and often a complete 'gluing' together of the internal fibres.
2. Shortening of the vagina - sometimes to only an inch.
3. Severe reduction in or loss of sexual sensation.
4. Dryness, or a lack of lubrication.
5. Loss of libido.
6. Pain during sex (often due to internal scarring).
7. Having to use a colostomy bag.
8. Depression
9. Inability to achieve or sustain an erection.
10. Early onset menopause.
11. Infertility.
12. Dramatic weakening of the pelvic floor, leading to incontinence and prolapse.

Once you, as a survivor, have taken the step to restore your sexuality, there are a number of pathways to explore that will allow you to experiment with things you never imagined. Those who see the situation as an opportunity rather than a setback, generally achieve much better results and have a lot more fun in the process.
This is true not only of cancer patients, but of anyone who has had to deal with slight or major alterations in their ability to function sexually.

To renew intimacy and build a strong, albeit altered, sexual life, I recommend the following.

1. Massage
Both partners have undergone grief, anger and loss and both partners need nurturing, love, support and healing. Learning to massage well gives so much and opens the heart. Opening the heart is the first step toward renewing intimacy, regaining trust and acceptance of what has been lost. Sexual, erotic massage can open new pathways within body and mind, revitalize deadened nerves and heal a myriad of ills. Read books, practice regularly in a relaxed environment and use lots of beautiful, aromatic oils.

2. Tantra
Tantra is the practice of mindfulness and employs exercises that can elevate the experience of sex to a higher level. Tantra is about the journey of sex, not the destination and it is with this understanding that its use is invaluable. Using tantra can help couples enjoy sensuality when orgasm is not physically possible in the sense that we traditionally understand it. There are many wonderful books and practitioners that can help couples achieve extraordinary results. Tantra is not a quick fix, but a practice similar to yoga, that takes dedication and discipline.

3. Oils and lubricants.
NEVER underestimate the benefits of lubrication. For genital massage, try all sorts of aromatic oils, edible varieties and warming lotions. Massage candles can be extinguished and poured directly on the skin for deep relaxation and delight. Silicone lubricant is the absolute best thing you can keep in your bedside drawer. It's silky texture never gets sticky and its ability to make sex less painful and more enjoyable is undeniable. It's also excellent for massage on skin that is weakened and fine.

4. Sex Toys
Small vibrators can be used to help dilate the vagina and increase pleasure and sensation. Vaginal pumps engorge the vulva, helping with blood flow and restoring feeling. A cup with an extending tube and pump is placed over the labia and squeezed to create a vacuum. Penis pumps work in the same way and can help achieve an erection by forcing blood to the area. A ring is recommended to use immediately afterwards to help maintain the erection. If an erection is not possible, a hollow strap on penis can be used and is fun to try. There is a sex toy to suit every person and situation and you need a willingness to experiment with different varieties. Internal balls are also an excellent way to restore strength and elasticity into the vagina.

5. Adventure
Bondage and S&M can be very erotic and can ignite many fantasies and roleplays. Blindfolding and tying up are a way to heighten awareness of the body by shutting off other senses. Reading erotic literature, watching porn, dressing up, inventing scenarios and planning romantic dates are all ways to build anticipation and keep sex at the forefront of your mind.

6. Lingerie
Men love lingerie (on their partners generally). Whether it's pretty, sexy, innocent, trashy or classic, dressing for the bedroom is great fun and can hide scars and colostomy bags as well as giving confidence. Thigh high stockings and high heels can work wonders!

A fulfilling sexual life is not always restored on its own, and for many men and women, it takes time, patience, strong communication and commitment. Sometimes it's easier to think that sex is not that important in the scheme of things. If you are in a relationship, sex, intimacy and trust nourish, heal and ameliorate the trauma. If you're single, building your sexual energy revitalizes your entire body and helps to complete the process of making you whole again.

In response to the need for better information regarding sexuality post significant change, Passionfruit have created workshops designed to inform, reassure and benefit. All welcome.

All Images by David Jay Photography
The Scar Project

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Day 8 Blog # The Recipe

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Day 7 Blog # To Come Or to Go

In western culture we often use the term
"I'm coming"
to herald in the approach of an orgasm.
The announcement of an imminent arrival.

In eastern cultures the same experience is referred to as
"I'm going".
An imminent departure.

This difference has always intrigued me:
akin to the yin and yang contrast between our collective cultural experiences.

To where are we (in the West) coming and to where are they (in the East) going?
Is the physical experience any different?
Is either term closer to the real truth?

Perhaps in 'coming', we are arriving at our desired destination or goal -
'coming' into a higher, better state of being.

It could also be argued that in 'going' we are leaving one place for a better, more desirable one.
We are 'going' to reach our goal.

If we equate orgasm with transcendence (mystics have traditionally spoken of religious experiences in sexual, rapturous language and conversely, orgasm is often described in religious terms) then perhaps our cultural and spiritual beliefs can effect our experience of orgasm, just as our chosen religion can effect our experience of God.

I wonder if we could all enjoy lovemaking more if we began to see sexual ecstasy not as a destination at all - a place to which we must arrive, or a state from which we must leave - but as a state of true being.



Yes, yes, yes....

I AM

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