ONE OF THE MOST THRILLING AND EROTIC THINGS I EVER HEARD..

One of the darkest, most thrilling and erotic things I ever heard, was told to me by a friend a long time ago. 

She, a raven haired, caramel-limbed, horse riding beauty, and he a smouldering, guitar playing sex pot who cooked and sang, stoked up the fire and hosted wild parties, finally got it on one wintry Victorian, star-filled night.

She told me that when he eventually seduced her, wrapped her up and flung her on the bed, she apologised and confessed that she had her period.

She explained to me, over cheap wine and biscuits, that he had no issue with it and proceeded to go down on her with relish. A long time later, he looked up into her eyes with a face smeared with her menstrual blood and made love to her.

She told me this story many moons ago and I've never forgotten it. It thrilled me to the core and lodged something deep within me, evoking my own pagan, mysterious, dark and spiritual self. It spoke of carnal desire, lust - worship.

When we approach our lover with fervent wonder and devotion, it takes away all shame and guilt. A love of nature, a sense of awe and a respect for life and self - when transmitted to a lover - is transcendental.

You don't have to follow the Germaine Greer test to achieve it, but deeply enthusiastic sex pays homage to your lover, and thereby bestows the ultimate gift of self respect.

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Fantasy And The Sexual Psyche

Do you use fantasy to enhance your sexual experience, to bring you to orgasm? Many of us aren’t so sure about the role fantasy can and should play within our relationships. The very nature of our erotic imagination and what it may reveal, can make us uncomfortable, confused and guilty. Yet our fantasies reflect a deep well of sexual psychology and when examined, can unlock and free our true erotic nature.

By its very definition, fantasy (that which is improbable or unrealistic) is a forbidden landscape of sexual desire. When lust collides with taboo it releases us, and the goal - orgasm - is achieved. It is within the mind that we can be fully realised sexually, yet there can be a measure of guilt within that realisation. When we explore the strange, taboo, ‘abnormal’ realm of fantasy - the fantasy that brings us to orgasm - we can begin to understand our unique sexual psyche. "It is the mind that carries the genesis of sexual life, inhibits us from orgasm or releases us."

Nancy Friday, suggests that fantasy and masturbation are very closely tied, and that for women, masturbation without fantasy is rare. It is from our very earliest experience of our sexual self that fear, the forbidden, anger and the desire for control are born. "Fantasy is where the sexual drive does battle with the opposing emotions, the selection of which comes out of our individual lives, our earliest sexual histories. What were the forbidden feelings we took in as we grew?"

Even if we were brought up to love our bodies and feel no guilt, we have generations of judgement, fear, guilt and suppression in our collective subconscious. We may feel that we are sexually liberated, yet the majority of us, men and women, still feel embarrassed buying a sex toy for example - admitting that we masturbate and able to provide our own pleasure.

Where once, not so long ago, masturbation was considered ‘bad’, today women must contend with mental shame associated with their genitals. Women are still being taught that their vulvas aren’t pretty enough or clean enough and pornographic images are endlessly photoshopped so they don’t have to see their intrinsic ‘ugliness’.  Men are reminded that they have to be well endowed, have warrior like endurance and be able to satiate the most demanding partner.

It is fantasy that lifts us above our fear of reprisals and guilt and into the forbidden interior world that is our own sexual psyche.

Within our relationships, the use of fantasy to give us sexual release can still fill us with shame and remorse. We believe that it should be our partner who provides satisfaction and climax, not ourselves. Fantasy and masturbation disempower our lovers and give us a measure of sexual autonomy. It is that autonomy, the power of our deep erotic nature that can threaten us.

The beauty of a rich fantasy life, is that it allows us to explore the limits or our true erotic nature. When we examine our inner sexual landscape, we are given the tools to understand ourselves more fully and free ourselves from society’s rules. We are fuller and more whole, able to give of ourselves more truly to our lovers and richly rewarded with a deeper sexual life.

All quotes from Women On Top, by Nancy Friday
Images by Jan Saudek

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Day 12 Blog # Love Letter

I love love letters.
My (now) husband wooed me with his letters of love and longing and he can still make me swoon with his poetry 25 years later.
In fact, even his marriage proposal was a lengthy letter of love.
How could a girl resist?

At Passionfruit, I often talk to women about ways to be more creative in the bedroom - things she can do to really make her lover drool with lust for her.
Suffice to say, it isn't always that difficult.

To hold a woman in the palm of a man's hand however, takes more than mere sexual prowess (although that can count for a lot if he's completely devoted to the art).
A handful of enchanting words have the power to move, transform, draw and enfold; love that may otherwise be ephemeral.

'Love letter, love letter,
Go get her, go get her.'

When writing a woman a love letter, a man is not telling her what a brilliant organiser, superwoman, cook, mother, lover she is.
He is appealing to her most sentimental, romantic, feminine, sensuous qualities.

The best love letters let her know that he is the man and she is the woman.
She is worth crossing oceans for, hailing chariots of angels for and banishing all demons for - just to be with her, to fill her up and adore her.
A love letter transforms a mere girl, into an icon, a goddess, a woman, and gives the writer the qualities of the warrior, the champion and the protector.

The best love letters, compel a woman to understand the truth of love.
They make her remember (because she has always known it) that love is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
In the detached, cold world of tweets and texts, it is the heartfelt, poetic ballad of longing, lust, devotion and yearning that conquers.

BRING IT ON

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Day 4 Blog # The Slap

Have you been watching The Slap?
It's been a long time since I've been soooo excited about a TV show.
I race around making sure the kids are in bed, kitchen's tidy, cup of tea's ready (no mean feat) so I can greedily devour this brilliant show on ABC1. You can still watch it on iview if you've missed it.

When I read The Slap, by Christos Tsiolkas a couple of years ago, I did what everyone else did, and talked about it with shining eyes over food and drinks with friends and relatives.
I've often pondered the author's talent in taking a simple premise - in this case, corporal punishment - and turning it in to a novel of such beauty and complexity. This is a book that has sparked a million conversations, ruminations, questions and judgements. I loved it!

The success of The Slap has got me thinking about how I too can take an average modern dilemma like smacking, and turn into a bestselling novel?
Then it came to me.
Pubic hair!
It's a pretty hot topic at the moment and many of us have our own perspective on the to wax or not to wax debate. Hell I've even written a whole blog about it!
So here is the synopsis for my next novel.
Please let me know your thoughts.

THE FLAP

A small gathering of friends get together in an inner suburban Melbourne backyard one Saturday afternoon for a barbeque.
All is progressing amicably enough until Sharon, (who's a bit of a party girl) wearing a short denim mini, leans too far back in her chair toppling backwards. She lands, legs akimbo, revealing one very smoothly shaven left labia in all it's gleaming glory. She'd elected to go commando on this particular day. In that moment, which seemed to span eons, her partner and 3 couples zoomed in.
The rippling effect of this event reverberates through all witnesses, having a myriad of knock-on effects.
Carol and Steve's marriage breaks up because Steve "looked for far too long and with unbridled lust in his eyes." Carol always suspected he'd had the 'hots' for Shazza. She also took it as a personal affront to her thick bushy triangle of which she was very fond.
Michael and Evie discussed the pros and cons of shaving/waxing and experimented with surprising results.
Teri and Arnold had deep and meaningful discussions concerning the appeal of a pre-pubescent look in relation to adult sexuality and what it all meant.
Sharon and Greg continued to have fun.
Various infidelities, break ups, make ups, opinions and events intertwine and play out as a result of

THE FLAP

The butterfly flapped and the cyclone roared.

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Men Can't Help Themselves!

I've been reading Bettina Arndt's 'What Men Want in Bed' - a book revealing men’s sexual desires, needs and cravings. I have long admired Arndt's writing and wholeheatedly agreed (who doesn’t) that men are horny beasts and women, being less sexually driven, can't always satisfy that constant craving. This can lead to power issues, arguments, hurt feelings, affairs, blah blah blah.

Bettina stated in a recent Age article,* “We hear constantly about men in trouble over sex. Men in trouble for not keeping their trousers zipped, for groping and harassing women, men caught out looking at pornography, or gazing at women in the wrong way. But what we never hear about is men's restraint, the remarkable stoicism of current generations of heterosexual men who cop it sweet, despite their immense frustrations.”

‘Remarkable stoicism’? I think that’s precisely where the horn really got up my goat. As much as I agree that men have a higher sex drive than women in general and as much as I’m all for women saying ‘yes’ to their partners more often.... ‘remarkable stoicism’??? Please!

We grow and live in a world surrounded by temptation. All around us every day we can be tempted to stray from the principles that we individually and collectively construct. It might be a momentary urge to steal something beautiful, an anguished desire to smack your child or many more darker urges. Who of us wouldn’t for example, want to hurt, maim or even kill a person who injured a loved one? I ask these questions because it is my closest held belief that we are all capable of the same things. The most depraved action of another human is inside us all if the circumstances configure themselves to allow our particular nature to act likewise. We are all human together and all connected by our nature and spirit. It is this that gives us empathy.

Discipline and love give us the ability to reign in our rampant nature and steer a course through life that is true to our values. As a parent, I feel that it is my responsibility to encourage my children to discipline themselves to not overeat, not watch to much TV, not be mean or bully or violent. In other words, not to do what they naturally want to do but little by little, teach them to discipline themselves to be good people, to respect themselves and others. They learn this most effectively by being given love freely and seeing love around them.

Arndt asserts that a man’s urge to cheat on his partner is “hardwired - yet most men find ways of ignoring that itch, or diverting it into harmless pursuits like looking at pornography.” I would suggest that we are all hardwired to behave badly. The reason we are living this reality is to strive for our most honest and true expression of love. By remaining “remarkably stoic”, Arndt makes men out to be all fucking, raging beasts held in check only by stern, tight lipped mother/lovers.

If men are complaining to Bettina Arndt about their lack of sex within committed relationships, maybe they’re just shit lovers. Maybe they are lazy, self obsessed, uncommunicative, not tuned in to their lover’s needs, not evolving and being the best partner they can be. Arndt says, “ The overwhelming majority wanted to be faithful and were succeeding, even though there may have been a lapse along the way - a one-night stand at a conference, a few weeks of illicit pleasure, or even an affair lasting months or perhaps a year or two. But nothing compared with the many years of restraint.”

“Restraint”? Come on Bettina!!! We are all to some extent held in restraint and remain so because of our own discipline and the laws that demand it. We restrain from speeding, eating with our mouth’s open, farting in public, getting too drunk, killing each other, “groping and harassing women” and a million other things. I would have thought that remaining true to a monogamous relationship would be a restriction that a person who is committed to love would hold in high regard. It might take work, discipline and soul searching, but to suggest that men basically can’t help it and we should pity them for it is ludicrous.

It reminds me of the argument that says women should not go back to a guy’s place with a gutful without expecting to be raped. Men can’t help themselves after all. The thing is, even if he can’t restrain himself, he’s still an arsehole.

*'Lust for Life' Bettina Arndt August 21, 2011 The Age Opinion
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/lust-for-life-20110820-1j3ed.html

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