Day 9 Blog # Sex & Our Changing Bodies

Many of the discussions we have with customers are about sex and our changing bodies.
Whether it be through childbirth, illness, menopause or a kaleidoscope of other issues, the changes that result can heavily impact our confidence, relationships and wellbeing.
For several years, we've been involved with The Cancer Council as well as The Oncology units of many of Melbourne's hospitals.
Many cancer sufferers get little or no information on the effects that cancer and its treatments have on relationships, yet the reality is that after dealing with everything else, sex and intimacy are vital and the ramifications have to be dealt with sooner or later.

Here's a quick summary of some of the physical effects of cancer treatments as I've come to understand them.

1. Closing up of the vagina and often a complete 'gluing' together of the internal fibres.
2. Shortening of the vagina - sometimes to only an inch.
3. Severe reduction in or loss of sexual sensation.
4. Dryness, or a lack of lubrication.
5. Loss of libido.
6. Pain during sex (often due to internal scarring).
7. Having to use a colostomy bag.
8. Depression
9. Inability to achieve or sustain an erection.
10. Early onset menopause.
11. Infertility.
12. Dramatic weakening of the pelvic floor, leading to incontinence and prolapse.

Once you, as a survivor, have taken the step to restore your sexuality, there are a number of pathways to explore that will allow you to experiment with things you never imagined. Those who see the situation as an opportunity rather than a setback, generally achieve much better results and have a lot more fun in the process.
This is true not only of cancer patients, but of anyone who has had to deal with slight or major alterations in their ability to function sexually.

To renew intimacy and build a strong, albeit altered, sexual life, I recommend the following.

1. Massage
Both partners have undergone grief, anger and loss and both partners need nurturing, love, support and healing. Learning to massage well gives so much and opens the heart. Opening the heart is the first step toward renewing intimacy, regaining trust and acceptance of what has been lost. Sexual, erotic massage can open new pathways within body and mind, revitalize deadened nerves and heal a myriad of ills. Read books, practice regularly in a relaxed environment and use lots of beautiful, aromatic oils.

2. Tantra
Tantra is the practice of mindfulness and employs exercises that can elevate the experience of sex to a higher level. Tantra is about the journey of sex, not the destination and it is with this understanding that its use is invaluable. Using tantra can help couples enjoy sensuality when orgasm is not physically possible in the sense that we traditionally understand it. There are many wonderful books and practitioners that can help couples achieve extraordinary results. Tantra is not a quick fix, but a practice similar to yoga, that takes dedication and discipline.

3. Oils and lubricants.
NEVER underestimate the benefits of lubrication. For genital massage, try all sorts of aromatic oils, edible varieties and warming lotions. Massage candles can be extinguished and poured directly on the skin for deep relaxation and delight. Silicone lubricant is the absolute best thing you can keep in your bedside drawer. It's silky texture never gets sticky and its ability to make sex less painful and more enjoyable is undeniable. It's also excellent for massage on skin that is weakened and fine.

4. Sex Toys
Small vibrators can be used to help dilate the vagina and increase pleasure and sensation. Vaginal pumps engorge the vulva, helping with blood flow and restoring feeling. A cup with an extending tube and pump is placed over the labia and squeezed to create a vacuum. Penis pumps work in the same way and can help achieve an erection by forcing blood to the area. A ring is recommended to use immediately afterwards to help maintain the erection. If an erection is not possible, a hollow strap on penis can be used and is fun to try. There is a sex toy to suit every person and situation and you need a willingness to experiment with different varieties. Internal balls are also an excellent way to restore strength and elasticity into the vagina.

5. Adventure
Bondage and S&M can be very erotic and can ignite many fantasies and roleplays. Blindfolding and tying up are a way to heighten awareness of the body by shutting off other senses. Reading erotic literature, watching porn, dressing up, inventing scenarios and planning romantic dates are all ways to build anticipation and keep sex at the forefront of your mind.

6. Lingerie
Men love lingerie (on their partners generally). Whether it's pretty, sexy, innocent, trashy or classic, dressing for the bedroom is great fun and can hide scars and colostomy bags as well as giving confidence. Thigh high stockings and high heels can work wonders!

A fulfilling sexual life is not always restored on its own, and for many men and women, it takes time, patience, strong communication and commitment. Sometimes it's easier to think that sex is not that important in the scheme of things. If you are in a relationship, sex, intimacy and trust nourish, heal and ameliorate the trauma. If you're single, building your sexual energy revitalizes your entire body and helps to complete the process of making you whole again.

In response to the need for better information regarding sexuality post significant change, Passionfruit have created workshops designed to inform, reassure and benefit. All welcome.

All Images by David Jay Photography
The Scar Project