Day 19 Blog # Choose Your Weapon

There's an overwhelming feeling, like being a kid in a candy store, that engulfs many women who try to choose a vibrator.
Whether it's for the first time, the tenth time or just the longest time, the choices are so varied that she might feel like giving up and remaining a toy virgin, and that would be a shame.
Fear no more girlfriends because here's my tried and true method for finding your best buddy, but be warned - it's easier than you think so there's really no excuse.

The secret is that there's really only three types of vibrators.

1. Clitoral Stimulators

 2. Internal Shafts

 3. Dual Action Vibrators (clitoral stimulator and shaft together)










All you have to do, is figure out which one is going to suit your needs best.

 (Just kidding)












So what does it for You?

If you're wanting to have some fun on your own, there's nothing like a good clitoral stimulator - they really work much better than your own fingers. They're also great to use during sex to help you have that rare, simultaneous orgasm with your partner, or just to enhance the feeling of penetration. Of all the millions of vibrators available, the clitoral stimulator is my number one choice for most girls.

My favourite clitoral stimulators (1) are:-

a) 7 Deadly Sins - not the prettiest, but affordable, SUPER strong and very effective.
b) Bullet - no pesky wires, strong, discreet and cheap.
c) Siri - rechargeable (just like your phone), strong, multi-speed and very pretty.

 Sometimes, just an internal vibrator hits the spot. A single girl who hasn't got her own penis to penetrate her might crave only that. Of course luckily, a good vibrating shaft can be used externally as well to satisfy the demanding clitoral bud. A simple vibrating shaft, or non-vibrating dildo also has the added bonus of being the extra penis during sex play. Your partner might love to fuck you with a dildo and watch 'another man' do the business! Excellent for fantasy and role play!

My favourite internal shafts (2) are:-

a) Calla - rechargeable, delectably pink, soft and pretty yet strong as an ox and has the added bonus of a flanged base so it butts up against the clitoris.
b) Gigi - rechargeable, shaped to target the G-Spot and has a nice flat, wide tip for clitoral play. It's hard and inflexible.
c) Sunrise - soft, smooth silicone, nice average proportions, lots of speeds and rhythms and affordable.

The dual action vibrator satisfies the most demanding of us all - when only internal penetration plus clitoral stimulation will do. The traditional 'rabbit' style vibrators have long been a girls' best friend but nowadays there are so many superior styles on the market, they really make the rabbits look like fossils.

My favourite dual action vibrators (3) are:-

a) Mini Salsa - it's small (but that doesn't matter because it targets the nerve centres), rechargeable, silicone smooth, soft and it's very cute!
b) Soraya - it looks like an Alessi appliance, it's rechargeable, waterproof and gorgeous.
c) Senseii - if you love a rabbit, then this one is the best because it's made of silicone so it's super soft where others are forceful and rigid. The rabbit 'ears' flutter like tongues on your clitoris in a delightfully heavenly manner.

There are many variations of these three types of vibrators, and then of course there are all sorts of fun novelties like vibrating cock rings, remote controlled eggs, butt toys and non vibrating dildos made of silicone, glass and stainless steel. But for a good trusty toy that will do it for you every time, take these three types of toys into consideration and choose your weapon.

Illustrations are by Betty Dodson, America's Number 1 Sex Educator.

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Day 13 Blog # A Funny Story

People often remark that in my job I must hear a lot of funny stories.
"You must have loads of wild stuff to write about" they say.
In reality, most of my customers are ordinary people like you and me.

In fact, the more everyday stores I've worked in have often provided much more interesting fodder than Passionfruit.
We don't attract the seedy element because it's just not that sort of store, and we don't get much of the really out there crowd either.

As I said, the majority of people I speak to are just like me.
It's a bit of a let down I guess, that I can't regale you with tales of high sexual adventure, infidelity, menage a trois, swinging sex parties and secret rendevoux featuring treasure chests of sex toys (although that wouldn't be unusual).

Most customers are simply interested in ways to improve their sex lives and have some fun.
They talk about orgasms, g-spots, foreplay, oral sex, phone sex, old sex toys, new sex toys, porn, great sex and boring sex.
The fact is, we all have sex. It's very ordinary.
It still astounds me that something so normal is so goddamn fascinating.
Funny isn't it?

I have to say, that one of the more baffling moments came when a woman was led through the curtain in to the back room and, surrounded by a cornocopia of sex toys asked,
"Do you sell vibrators"?
Must've been a catholic.

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Day 9 Blog # Sex & Our Changing Bodies

Many of the discussions we have with customers are about sex and our changing bodies.
Whether it be through childbirth, illness, menopause or a kaleidoscope of other issues, the changes that result can heavily impact our confidence, relationships and wellbeing.
For several years, we've been involved with The Cancer Council as well as The Oncology units of many of Melbourne's hospitals.
Many cancer sufferers get little or no information on the effects that cancer and its treatments have on relationships, yet the reality is that after dealing with everything else, sex and intimacy are vital and the ramifications have to be dealt with sooner or later.

Here's a quick summary of some of the physical effects of cancer treatments as I've come to understand them.

1. Closing up of the vagina and often a complete 'gluing' together of the internal fibres.
2. Shortening of the vagina - sometimes to only an inch.
3. Severe reduction in or loss of sexual sensation.
4. Dryness, or a lack of lubrication.
5. Loss of libido.
6. Pain during sex (often due to internal scarring).
7. Having to use a colostomy bag.
8. Depression
9. Inability to achieve or sustain an erection.
10. Early onset menopause.
11. Infertility.
12. Dramatic weakening of the pelvic floor, leading to incontinence and prolapse.

Once you, as a survivor, have taken the step to restore your sexuality, there are a number of pathways to explore that will allow you to experiment with things you never imagined. Those who see the situation as an opportunity rather than a setback, generally achieve much better results and have a lot more fun in the process.
This is true not only of cancer patients, but of anyone who has had to deal with slight or major alterations in their ability to function sexually.

To renew intimacy and build a strong, albeit altered, sexual life, I recommend the following.

1. Massage
Both partners have undergone grief, anger and loss and both partners need nurturing, love, support and healing. Learning to massage well gives so much and opens the heart. Opening the heart is the first step toward renewing intimacy, regaining trust and acceptance of what has been lost. Sexual, erotic massage can open new pathways within body and mind, revitalize deadened nerves and heal a myriad of ills. Read books, practice regularly in a relaxed environment and use lots of beautiful, aromatic oils.

2. Tantra
Tantra is the practice of mindfulness and employs exercises that can elevate the experience of sex to a higher level. Tantra is about the journey of sex, not the destination and it is with this understanding that its use is invaluable. Using tantra can help couples enjoy sensuality when orgasm is not physically possible in the sense that we traditionally understand it. There are many wonderful books and practitioners that can help couples achieve extraordinary results. Tantra is not a quick fix, but a practice similar to yoga, that takes dedication and discipline.

3. Oils and lubricants.
NEVER underestimate the benefits of lubrication. For genital massage, try all sorts of aromatic oils, edible varieties and warming lotions. Massage candles can be extinguished and poured directly on the skin for deep relaxation and delight. Silicone lubricant is the absolute best thing you can keep in your bedside drawer. It's silky texture never gets sticky and its ability to make sex less painful and more enjoyable is undeniable. It's also excellent for massage on skin that is weakened and fine.

4. Sex Toys
Small vibrators can be used to help dilate the vagina and increase pleasure and sensation. Vaginal pumps engorge the vulva, helping with blood flow and restoring feeling. A cup with an extending tube and pump is placed over the labia and squeezed to create a vacuum. Penis pumps work in the same way and can help achieve an erection by forcing blood to the area. A ring is recommended to use immediately afterwards to help maintain the erection. If an erection is not possible, a hollow strap on penis can be used and is fun to try. There is a sex toy to suit every person and situation and you need a willingness to experiment with different varieties. Internal balls are also an excellent way to restore strength and elasticity into the vagina.

5. Adventure
Bondage and S&M can be very erotic and can ignite many fantasies and roleplays. Blindfolding and tying up are a way to heighten awareness of the body by shutting off other senses. Reading erotic literature, watching porn, dressing up, inventing scenarios and planning romantic dates are all ways to build anticipation and keep sex at the forefront of your mind.

6. Lingerie
Men love lingerie (on their partners generally). Whether it's pretty, sexy, innocent, trashy or classic, dressing for the bedroom is great fun and can hide scars and colostomy bags as well as giving confidence. Thigh high stockings and high heels can work wonders!

A fulfilling sexual life is not always restored on its own, and for many men and women, it takes time, patience, strong communication and commitment. Sometimes it's easier to think that sex is not that important in the scheme of things. If you are in a relationship, sex, intimacy and trust nourish, heal and ameliorate the trauma. If you're single, building your sexual energy revitalizes your entire body and helps to complete the process of making you whole again.

In response to the need for better information regarding sexuality post significant change, Passionfruit have created workshops designed to inform, reassure and benefit. All welcome.

All Images by David Jay Photography
The Scar Project

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