Men Can't Help Themselves!

I've been reading Bettina Arndt's 'What Men Want in Bed' - a book revealing men’s sexual desires, needs and cravings. I have long admired Arndt's writing and wholeheatedly agreed (who doesn’t) that men are horny beasts and women, being less sexually driven, can't always satisfy that constant craving. This can lead to power issues, arguments, hurt feelings, affairs, blah blah blah.

Bettina stated in a recent Age article,* “We hear constantly about men in trouble over sex. Men in trouble for not keeping their trousers zipped, for groping and harassing women, men caught out looking at pornography, or gazing at women in the wrong way. But what we never hear about is men's restraint, the remarkable stoicism of current generations of heterosexual men who cop it sweet, despite their immense frustrations.”

‘Remarkable stoicism’? I think that’s precisely where the horn really got up my goat. As much as I agree that men have a higher sex drive than women in general and as much as I’m all for women saying ‘yes’ to their partners more often.... ‘remarkable stoicism’??? Please!

We grow and live in a world surrounded by temptation. All around us every day we can be tempted to stray from the principles that we individually and collectively construct. It might be a momentary urge to steal something beautiful, an anguished desire to smack your child or many more darker urges. Who of us wouldn’t for example, want to hurt, maim or even kill a person who injured a loved one? I ask these questions because it is my closest held belief that we are all capable of the same things. The most depraved action of another human is inside us all if the circumstances configure themselves to allow our particular nature to act likewise. We are all human together and all connected by our nature and spirit. It is this that gives us empathy.

Discipline and love give us the ability to reign in our rampant nature and steer a course through life that is true to our values. As a parent, I feel that it is my responsibility to encourage my children to discipline themselves to not overeat, not watch to much TV, not be mean or bully or violent. In other words, not to do what they naturally want to do but little by little, teach them to discipline themselves to be good people, to respect themselves and others. They learn this most effectively by being given love freely and seeing love around them.

Arndt asserts that a man’s urge to cheat on his partner is “hardwired - yet most men find ways of ignoring that itch, or diverting it into harmless pursuits like looking at pornography.” I would suggest that we are all hardwired to behave badly. The reason we are living this reality is to strive for our most honest and true expression of love. By remaining “remarkably stoic”, Arndt makes men out to be all fucking, raging beasts held in check only by stern, tight lipped mother/lovers.

If men are complaining to Bettina Arndt about their lack of sex within committed relationships, maybe they’re just shit lovers. Maybe they are lazy, self obsessed, uncommunicative, not tuned in to their lover’s needs, not evolving and being the best partner they can be. Arndt says, “ The overwhelming majority wanted to be faithful and were succeeding, even though there may have been a lapse along the way - a one-night stand at a conference, a few weeks of illicit pleasure, or even an affair lasting months or perhaps a year or two. But nothing compared with the many years of restraint.”

“Restraint”? Come on Bettina!!! We are all to some extent held in restraint and remain so because of our own discipline and the laws that demand it. We restrain from speeding, eating with our mouth’s open, farting in public, getting too drunk, killing each other, “groping and harassing women” and a million other things. I would have thought that remaining true to a monogamous relationship would be a restriction that a person who is committed to love would hold in high regard. It might take work, discipline and soul searching, but to suggest that men basically can’t help it and we should pity them for it is ludicrous.

It reminds me of the argument that says women should not go back to a guy’s place with a gutful without expecting to be raped. Men can’t help themselves after all. The thing is, even if he can’t restrain himself, he’s still an arsehole.

*'Lust for Life' Bettina Arndt August 21, 2011 The Age Opinion
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/lust-for-life-20110820-1j3ed.html

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Notes from 'How To Thrill A Man Part 2'

If you missed Passionfruit’s How To Thrill A Man Part 2, hosted by Layla on Saturday night, you missed the biggest OMFG event we’ve hosted to date.

As this was the first of it’s kind offered to the public, we were all (attendees and participants) just a little apprehensive to begin with. After all, Layla was to perform a 60 minute lingam massage for Andrew - a brave, albeit very willing, lovely male model.

Our apprehensions were quickly laid to rest however, once Layla began to introduce us to the pleasures and benefits of tantric love. If you think you can learn these techniques from a book, I have to say you are misguided. The reason Layla and I formulated this type of workshop is precisely because of this fact. Nothing beats being shown directly the techniques involved in authentic lingam massage.

Firstly, the workshop began with the two lovers setting aside a sacred space in which to say ‘hello’ and acknowledge that a time for lovemaking is being set aside. This is the ‘Namaste’ ritual and helps to open our hearts to each other and vocalise what we might want to give and receive during the session. In this case, Layla expressed her desire to provide Andrew with a one hour lingam massage - of which Andrew was more than happy to oblige!

With Andrew comfortably on his back on the massage table, Layla began. In order to shake out the tensions of the day, a quick massage began on the left foot and followed firmly up the leg, side of the torso, over the left shoulder and down the arm to the hand. This was repeated a couple of times on each side. A lovely firm pull of the hair and deeply relaxing rub of the neck followed. The legs are gently prised apart and the inner thigh caressed and hair across the pelvis fondled.

Then the massage oil, a crucial ingredient to the entire session, was introduced. The aim is to not go straight to the jugular, but to sensitise, tease, seduce and awaken. The oil is poured between the folds of each thigh and the kneading of the lingam begins.

For the rest of the hour, Layla instructed us on the masterful techniques involved. Andrew was spared nothing. His penis, testes and anus were all bestowed with the most exotic, eye popping, devotional massage you are ever likely to be privileged to witness. We were all left breathless, inspired and empowered.

Thank you to Layla, Andrew and all of the participants for a wonderfully positive and educational experience. We are now discussing the possibility of running these workshops on a more regular basis. Currently, we only have one more available in May next year, but clearly, this is a beautiful way to learn the art of giving. I encourage all women to attend. You might be a bit apprehensive at first, but you won’t be sorry. Needless to say, the one you bestow your pleasure upon, won’t be sorry either.

Here’s some participant feedback.

Hi Michelle,
Yeah look it was fantastic, definitely good to get hand on (pardon the pun) tips!!
Thanks

Dear Michelle,
I appreciate so much the workshop you hosted on Saturday night. It was done with so much sensitivity and just felt so 'normal'!!! I don't know how you managed it, but so many of my own barriers were completely shattered and I just feel like a richer, more honest and generous lover.

I can truthfully say that I have never before felt that my $99.00 was so well spent. What I learned will stay with me forever. When's the next one?

Hi Michelle,
Thank-you for the workshop hosted on Saturday evening! I found it informative, liberating and enjoyable and believe more people should have access to such ways of loving. You have a beautiful store & good luck with future events! X

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Notes from 'How To Thrill A Man Part 1'

At July 30's 'How To Thrill A Man Part 1' workshop, fifteen women came together and were sexually empowered. Together, tantrica Layla and Passionfruit founder Michelle, explored all the senses, discovered every body part and gave all the ideas, confidence and tools to allow a woman to fully emerge in to her sexuality. For those who could not attend, we have summarised the key points for you. Book now for Part 2


Part 1
To fully embrace her sexual power, to be a confident, passionate and talented lover, a woman must WANT it. She must own her sexuality, take time with it and absolutely revere her own and her lover’s body.
To ease in to lovemaking and to build arousal, there are some wonderful tantric pleasure points to stimulate.
Starting with the back and using your breath, tongue, fingers, breasts and hair begin to lightly massage the tops of the buttocks. The area at the base of the spine and outward to the hips is a powerful tantric zone that builds fire throughout the body.
Work your way up the spine, across the shoulder blades and to the neck and ears.
The ears have a direct connection to the penis and spending at least five minutes just around this area can be a relentless tease.
The perineum, the skin between the testicles and anus is an important erogenous zone and loves to be firmly massaged.
Incorporate feathers, drip water along the spine and lick it off, massage warm oil in to the skin and use a crop or whip to stimulate the blood and bring it to the surface.
The bottom loves being lightly (or heavily) slapped and adding some dirty talk can heat things up.
Never use a heavy hand around the kidneys or along the spine. Along the shoulder blades is ok but it is generally the bottom that responds best.
Following a bit of slap, the red area loves to be soothed with a kiss or a tender touch.
Allow your lover to watch while you administer your pain/pleasure and add to the excitement even further.
Alternatively, just allow the sound of your heels walking slowly across the floor and the tap of your crop on your palm to enliven.
Make him see, hear, taste, touch and smell you.
The area around the anal passage is also full of exciting nerve endings but needs to be relaxed and coaxed into submission to be thrilled.
Just work small circles with your finger around the opening and spend time massaging and teasing. Use some oil or lubricant to further relax and when ready, you can insert a finger or toy. Accessing a man’s prostate through the rectum can be incredibly stimulating for him.
Moving to the front of the body, concentrate on nipples and the skin around the pubic bone. Pinch, squeeze, maybe add some nipple clamps and use your own body as a tool to titillate.
A simple breathing exercise is a wonderful way to prepare yourself for love when you may be tired and also when you want to connect with your lover or slow down when you do not want to climax.
Hold your left and over your heart and your right over your belly. Close your eyes, breathe in and let out your breath forcefully. Repeat twice and with the third breath, hold it in your belly for 10 seconds and follow it back up your body and slowly out of your mouth.



Part 2
Self pleasure is the self’s core responsibility. It is intrinsic to every woman’s sexuality. Loving your body, respecting and knowing it is not only our responsibility, but vital to our being a fully empowered sexual force. Using fantasy as a way to explore and elevate our orgasmic potential is also an important tool to sexual realisation. Know that whatever you need to fantasise about is OK. Give yourself permission to go wherever your depraved, weird, psycho imagination wants to go. Fantasies are not reality and have no bearing on what we may desire in real life. Sex is heart, body and mind.
Remember when you were a child and the joy and fun you had dressing up? Many men lament that their partner won’t slip into something sexy for them. You can roleplay, be sweet and innocent, dominate or just use stockings and high heels to look hot! Loosen up and play!
Sex toys can be so important in helping a woman realise her sexual potential. Use clitoral stimulators when you want to masturbate alone or as an easy and discreet addition to your lovemaking. Men love them too! Masturbate with a shaft or dual action vibrator in front of your lover to drive him wild! All men are voyeurs and will absolutely love it. It’s also the best education you can give him. Cock rings, placed at the base of the penis, are wonderful to keep a man at full attention for lengthy periods. Pressure at the base of the penis and lots of blood trapped inside his member will keep him happier for longer. The We-Vibe is a brilliant toy that stays inside the vagina and over the clitoris while you’re lovemaking. He will feel your vibrating vagina and you will feel his vibrating penis. Together with clitoral stimulation, it is a great way to feel the rhythm building at the same pace.



Part 3
Giving him the best blow job of his life will be a present that’s never forgotten, sent to the op shop or dumped in the rubbish. Layla likes to sit her honey down at the end of a hard day and treat him to 40 minutes of lingam love!!! Not the full porn star style vacuum pump but a session of intense worship. Begin by grasping the shaft firmly with your whole hand. Concentrate on the head and the frenulum. Blow over the top - use your breath to awaken him. Put the head of his penis in your mouth but don’t close your mouth just yet. Tease. Run your tongue from the bottom of the penis where the testicles meet the shaft, up along the seam to the frenulum and around the head. Encircle your tongue around the penis - around and around while you are sucking and at the head. Create a vacuum with your mouth - suck in air, hollow your cheeks and pop his penis out at the end. Use your saliva to really work up the lubrication or use a warming oil for added fun. Gently pop his testicles in to your mouth and suck gently. Use your hands and fingers to simultaneously stroke the perineum, the nipples and yourself! Change positions so he can see your butt, your breasts, and more importantly - your eyes. Maintain eye contact as you lovingly lick him and send him to heaven and back.

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