#1. The Anus Mono(log)ues

THE ANUS MONO(LOG)UES

In the tradition of Eve Ensler's 'The Vagina Monologues', I have decided to talk to women about, not their vaginas - well that's just passe now - but their (much more controversial) anuses.

Just as Eve uncovered women's thoughts, shame and perceptions about their vaginas, I have endeavoured to get to the bottom of the current anal fixation. Blame it on the internet, but butt sex is practically as popular as garden variety intercourse - and that has created an entire anus industry! Not just a whole new porn genre, (think Anal Acrobats, Anal Honeymoon in the Tropics, In Anal Sluts We Trust etc.) but also crack waxing, bleaching, bum botox, home enema kits and an explosion in the sale of butt plugs, anal beads and prostate massagers.

It's no wonder that there are so many questions, worries, concerns and emotions surrounding The Anus. When Ms Ensler first began her Monologues, she said of the vagina, "There's so much secrecy surrounding them - like The Bermuda Triangle. Nobody ever reports back from there." Well that's doubly true of the anus - apart from proctologists.

So I have begun, as Eve Ensler did before me, by asking each woman participating in 'The Anus Monologues' the same two questions.

1. If your anus got dressed, what would it wear?

Here's a list of my favourite answers:
A champagne cork. A cigar. A cocktail parasol. A flower. Hijab. Diamonds. False eyelashes.

2. If your anus could talk, what would it say?

And here's a selection of answers:
Exit only. Phhht. Wrong one. Brave choice. What smells? Excuse me! Yeah baby!

As you can imagine, running a sex shop gives me access to a million different stories surrounding The Anus and I must give thanks to the many women who have opened themselves up to me. We are currently negotiating filming rights for 'The Anus Mono(log)ues' and are auditioning now. So if you have an anus story that you think might be helpful to others, please submit.

And next time you go to the beauty parlour, think about your reply when asked for a bleach, wax or botox or you might end up with a sore back crack, slightly firmer butt cheeks and the same old crows feet.