Men Can't Help Themselves!

I've been reading Bettina Arndt's 'What Men Want in Bed' - a book revealing men’s sexual desires, needs and cravings. I have long admired Arndt's writing and wholeheatedly agreed (who doesn’t) that men are horny beasts and women, being less sexually driven, can't always satisfy that constant craving. This can lead to power issues, arguments, hurt feelings, affairs, blah blah blah.

Bettina stated in a recent Age article,* “We hear constantly about men in trouble over sex. Men in trouble for not keeping their trousers zipped, for groping and harassing women, men caught out looking at pornography, or gazing at women in the wrong way. But what we never hear about is men's restraint, the remarkable stoicism of current generations of heterosexual men who cop it sweet, despite their immense frustrations.”

‘Remarkable stoicism’? I think that’s precisely where the horn really got up my goat. As much as I agree that men have a higher sex drive than women in general and as much as I’m all for women saying ‘yes’ to their partners more often.... ‘remarkable stoicism’??? Please!

We grow and live in a world surrounded by temptation. All around us every day we can be tempted to stray from the principles that we individually and collectively construct. It might be a momentary urge to steal something beautiful, an anguished desire to smack your child or many more darker urges. Who of us wouldn’t for example, want to hurt, maim or even kill a person who injured a loved one? I ask these questions because it is my closest held belief that we are all capable of the same things. The most depraved action of another human is inside us all if the circumstances configure themselves to allow our particular nature to act likewise. We are all human together and all connected by our nature and spirit. It is this that gives us empathy.

Discipline and love give us the ability to reign in our rampant nature and steer a course through life that is true to our values. As a parent, I feel that it is my responsibility to encourage my children to discipline themselves to not overeat, not watch to much TV, not be mean or bully or violent. In other words, not to do what they naturally want to do but little by little, teach them to discipline themselves to be good people, to respect themselves and others. They learn this most effectively by being given love freely and seeing love around them.

Arndt asserts that a man’s urge to cheat on his partner is “hardwired - yet most men find ways of ignoring that itch, or diverting it into harmless pursuits like looking at pornography.” I would suggest that we are all hardwired to behave badly. The reason we are living this reality is to strive for our most honest and true expression of love. By remaining “remarkably stoic”, Arndt makes men out to be all fucking, raging beasts held in check only by stern, tight lipped mother/lovers.

If men are complaining to Bettina Arndt about their lack of sex within committed relationships, maybe they’re just shit lovers. Maybe they are lazy, self obsessed, uncommunicative, not tuned in to their lover’s needs, not evolving and being the best partner they can be. Arndt says, “ The overwhelming majority wanted to be faithful and were succeeding, even though there may have been a lapse along the way - a one-night stand at a conference, a few weeks of illicit pleasure, or even an affair lasting months or perhaps a year or two. But nothing compared with the many years of restraint.”

“Restraint”? Come on Bettina!!! We are all to some extent held in restraint and remain so because of our own discipline and the laws that demand it. We restrain from speeding, eating with our mouth’s open, farting in public, getting too drunk, killing each other, “groping and harassing women” and a million other things. I would have thought that remaining true to a monogamous relationship would be a restriction that a person who is committed to love would hold in high regard. It might take work, discipline and soul searching, but to suggest that men basically can’t help it and we should pity them for it is ludicrous.

It reminds me of the argument that says women should not go back to a guy’s place with a gutful without expecting to be raped. Men can’t help themselves after all. The thing is, even if he can’t restrain himself, he’s still an arsehole.

*'Lust for Life' Bettina Arndt August 21, 2011 The Age Opinion
http://www.theage.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/lust-for-life-20110820-1j3ed.html