FEMINIST AND SUBMISSIVE

Part of "choke me, spit on me, I'm a feminist" from PerksMag by Clarissa-Jan

Photo credit: Alex Pappajohn, flickr

‘Real, non-consensual sexual violence is not okay. It does not turn me on…but the fantasy does…’

At 43, Melissa K.—who did not wish to disclose her last name for privacy reasons—is a homeowner and works in the publishing industry in California. She identifies as a heterosexual feminist, and enjoys a healthy dose of bondage and rape play in the bedroom.

‘I really enjoy having my lover be forceful and hold me down,’ said Melissa, her brown, Capelli d’Angelo hair framing a structured face. ‘As a feminist I always thought, “Am I somehow betraying women by enjoying that?” Because actual rape is horrible and horrifying, but then I really enjoy fantasies—like, rape fantasies.’

Upon discovering her inclination toward BDSM at a young age, Melissa’s feminist values drew her into self-conflict. ‘I had a lot of struggle with how to reconcile those two things, because I’m absolutely not interested in having that happen to anybody in real life. Real, non-consensual sexual violence is not okay. It does not turn me on,’ she said, ‘but the fantasy does. So I did a lot of thinking about that—worrying about whether it was okay to have those thoughts.’

Melissa’s first encounter with BDSM was during adolescence. She had caught eye of a copy of a National Geographic magazine lying around, its cover she recalls as ‘a picture about Mayan temples or something, and this person—I can’t even remember the gender—tied to an altar and a priest like, over him.’ The imagery of bondage aroused her instantly. ‘That totally turned me on,’ she said. ‘I kind of joke that National Geographic turned me kinky.’

The advent of her sexual exploration was accompanied by feelings of shame and guilt. ‘I started having these kinds of fantasies about rough sex and bondage and stuff,’ she said. ‘I thought there was something wrong with me. I made this little thing on my bed frame, like these little yarn loops that I could tie myself up to, and I felt really ashamed about it… When I was masturbating, I would fantasize—I would always fantasize, 100 percent of the time, about being forced.’

As a child, she also expressed her sexual fantasies artistically, not fully understanding what they meant. ‘I would draw these scenes where there were these women and they were tied up and naked,’ she said. ‘I think at one point my mom found them; I’m still too embarrassed to ask her about it.’

‘Choosing the kind of sexuality I enjoy is, to me, strongly feminist.’

Despite having a sexual appetite since the age of 13, Melissa only became sexually active at 26. ‘I was really shy and I was like, not that attractive,’ she said, although it’s hard to believe now—her face, bright and tan, lifted by her softly chiselled cheekbones, lay bare her simple, easy beauty.

In the course of her three-year relationship with her college sweetheart, they never had intercourse. ‘He was really big, and I was nervous. We did other things sexually, but then…’ she trailed off, shrugging her shoulders.

The disgrace she harboured for her BDSM desires vanished once she made the conscious decision to engage in kink. Melissa decided that as she made an independent choice giving consent to a partner to tie, flog, or hold her down, there was scant reason to deny herself that thrill. ‘Nobody’s ever manipulated me into it. Because it’s a strong choice, it’s by definition feminist: having the ability to make whatever choice works for you,’ she said. ‘Choosing the kind of sexuality I enjoy is, to me, strongly feminist.’

Melissa’s brand of feminism is having the ability to make the decisions that she wants to make. As she sees it, the feminist movement was a reaction to women being denied the right to participate in society. From political to personal and sexual rights, women were always seen as inferior to men and unfit to make decisions for themselves, such as the propriety of their attire, their partner of choice, the ability to vote—feminism was in response to the repression that women suffered in society.

A former English major and Women Studies minor at Humboldt State University, Melissa identified with feminism since her college days. But her mother had a substantial role in her feminist leanings from early on. At the age of four or five, with Christmas around the corner, perching on her mother’s lap as they both thumbed through a Sears toy catalogue, her mother pointed at a race car set, and asked Melissa, ‘What do you think about that—does that interest you?’ Melissa lamented that it was a ‘boys’ toy’, to which her mother promptly declared, ‘There’s no such thing as boys’ or girls’ toys. You can get whatever you want.’

In that moment, Melissa realised gender rules were ‘totally random,’ and ‘made up.’ It was only when entering college that she began to reflect on feminism on a deeper level, considering the socio-political and cultural aspects. ‘When I was 19, I remember I just officially said to myself, Yeah. I’m a feminist. [And] I’ve never questioned that.’

In many ways, BDSM is strongly feminist, said Melissa. ‘In the BDSM community, it’s really, really, really, important that people talk—that the lovers really communicate about what they want, what the safe word is, and what’s okay and what’s not okay,’ Melissa said. ‘Consent and communication are super important in a healthy BDSM relationship… If a dominant person exploits a woman, they’ll personally get shunned [from the BDSM community] because it’s too dangerous. You can’t mess around with having that kind of control over people and not being really careful of not hurting them.’

‘He dumped [the bag] on my floor, and I’m like, What am I getting myself into? This is crazy.’

Melissa started dabbling in BDSM three years ago. She was at a friend’s party where a clothing swap was taking place, and she had donated a Halloween cat costume—complete with ears, a tail, and a black collar—that a friend of hers tried on. Within eavesdropping distance, a ‘handsome guy’ made a remark about how the collar wouldn’t be strong enough to keep anyone tied up. ‘I was like, Oh, he sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. It just clicked in my head that I could probably have some interesting experiences with this person,’ she said, adding that she was especially conscious about wanting to have kinky sex. ‘I just went up to him and started flirting. He was very easy to pick up.’

They made a date to get together another time, and he arrived at Melissa’s apartment lugging a duffel bag of BDSM equipment and sex toys in tow. ‘He dumped [the bag] on my floor, and I’m like, What am I getting myself into? This is crazy,’ she recalled, laughing. ‘I didn’t even know what they were.’ As an introduction to BDSM, he used the flogger (an accessory used for whipping, with a handle holding together a cluster of straps) on her. ‘It felt so great. I remember afterwards lying there going, Why does this feel so good?’

‘After a session, I feel proud, and proud of my bruises and marks.’

The pain play Melissa experiments with in the bedroom—flogging, pinching, slapping, whipping—is incredibly empowering because it enables her to explore the limits of her physical endurance. ‘After a session, I feel proud, and proud of my bruises and marks. It’s maybe a little bit akin to an extreme athlete feeling proud of the pain she endures for her sport,’ Melissa said.

When she first started exploring kink, Melissa went into a ‘sub frenzy,’ a term for submissives—usually those new to BDSM—who become highly enthusiastic and adventurous as they delve into the lifestyle. For a year, she was constantly on FetLife, joining an array of groups on the social media website, seeking out people to talk to.

The one time she had a BDSM play go wrong, Melissa, then a relative newcomer to the lifestyle, was playing with a boyfriend. They had met in the Burning Man group on Facebook, the start of a year-and-a-half long distance relationship. They saw each other every six weeks or so. He had expressed interest in kink, and though they were somewhat unseasoned in the BDSM ropes, they agreed to experiment in the bedroom. ‘We were playing around but we never had a conversation about safety and what was okay and what was not,’ she said. He tied Melissa up and left her alone, which terrified her.

‘It wasn’t around my throat or anything so nothing would’ve happened—it was just my arms—but it freaked me out.’ Another time after binding her arms, he used a boxcutter to cut the rope and accidentally knicked her hand in the process. Melissa later ordered a pair of safety scissors from Amazon and had it shipped to him. ‘It’s all a learning experience, but I wouldn’t play that way with somebody inexperienced again, I don’t think,’ she said.

‘Another intense way of bonding’

Melissa’s current partner Blake (whose name has been changed for privacy reasons) is kinky, although before him she was with a man who was vanilla. The difference between both relationships is stark, not only because Blake is more ‘competent, smart, engaged in his communities, caring, and interested in forming a real, committed partnership with me,’ she said, but also because his sexual preferences are much more in tune with hers.

‘The kink gives us another intense way of bonding. When lovers share that kind of experience, if both of them are present in the situation, it can be really intense, and can bring them closer together. He’s someone I’d call a sadist, though not the most sadistic person I’ve played with,’ Melissa contemplated. ‘I like that he’s not afraid of hurting me; his confidence paired with his empathy (he can take me to the edge and then stop) is super sexy to me. And it’s so great not to have to hide that part of myself—the part that gets off on rough sex. The sex has been fabulous.’

Melissa acknowledged that being with someone who enjoys kink as much as she does—or even more—was a huge perk: it provided an added dimension to the relationship.

‘The kink/BDSM stuff allows for more potential depth, as we navigate what kind of relationship we develop,’ she wrote later, adding that it embodies what she thinks of as positive kink. ‘He said, as we were talking about this issue: “I’m not sure yet to what extent I get to order you around.” He’s dominant, yet also totally present with me and not wanting to overstep whatever power I’m willing to give him.’

‘In healthy BDSM communities it’s never assumed that people know what you like because of your gender… It’s actually a complete opposite of what a patriarchal culture does for women.’

Melissa’s active engagement in BDSM has allowed her to scrutinise the power dynamics of traditional male and female roles personally. ‘In kink, both people are making choices and they’re really thinking and talking about it with each other. It’s like exploring the power dynamics between men and women, but doing it really consciously, not blindly, [and] all this stuff that we never get to talk about in our culture—about men and women, strength and sex, and who’s the aggressor. Receiving somebody’s power like that, I find it fascinating,’ she beamed. ‘Also it turns me on.’

Outside of the bedroom, Melissa prefers dominant men because of their energy and strength of character that she says vanilla people lack. ‘People that I find are good dominant lovers are really mindful that they have a lot of power, and they can’t mess with it. My favourite kind of lovers are the ones that are really confident, but not cocky, and also very aware of me and what I might be wanting. When I’m dating people who aren’t kinky, they have less of a grounding of themselves because they haven’t played with that power.’ Melissa is also more trusting of her dominants, partly because she deems them more empathetic and in tune with her desires.

Melissa contends that not all BDSM practitioners have experienced sexual distress in the past, nor is the desire for it necessarily a by-product of the patriarchy or a male-dominant society. ‘I think it exists because people are very complicated,’ she said. ‘In healthy BDSM communities it’s never assumed that people know what you like because of your gender… [There are] dominant women, submissive men. It’s actually a complete opposite of what a patriarchal culture does for women.

‘In patriarchy, women are assumed to be weak and submissive and stupid and have no power. In BDSM it’s opposite; in fact, many people in BDSM would argue that the submissive one is the one in control because that’s the person making the rules. The submissive is the one that stops it if he or she doesn’t like it. And in a healthy BDSM relationship there is no question that you stop now if that person says it. Also, just for the record, I’ve never been sexually assaulted, raped, or molested. Many anti-kink feminists and others also assume submissives have sexual trauma in their pasts.’

For Melissa, choosing to go down the path paved with pain and exploring a previously verboten side to her sexuality empowered her and boosted her self-confidence. ‘I’ve always been extremely shy and had trouble making friends, and had body-image problems (like so many women do),’ she wrote retrospectively in an email. ‘After I started exploring kink, I felt more comfortable with my body than ever, and nobody who knows me now would ever call me shy. I don’t think it was kink per se that changed these things, but the power of giving myself permission to explore and discover this deep part of myself that did it. I feel better about myself than I ever have.’

Read More of the series at PerksMag

Explore your kinky side at Passionfruit the Sensuality Shop's next BDSM & Tantra for Couples workshop

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SEXUALITY & PROSTATE CANCER

Prostate cancer, more often than not, devastates a man's sense of himself as a sexual person.
The prospect of not being able to achieve, or maintain an erection can cause such deep grief and loss that many men abandon sexual intimacy entirely.
The consequences of this, together with dealing with their health crisis, is a breakdown of existing and future relationships.
As difficult as it can be to feel fully sexual and intimate with a partner after prostate cancer, men can and do, go on to have deep and fulfilling sexual lives.
In many cases, a fuller sexuality is experienced.

Sometimes, a person has long held preconceptions about what constitutes lovemaking.
Both partners might find it difficult to get past the notion that sex is foreplay, penetration, orgasm - in that or any other order - if they're lucky.
Holding on to this belief can make it very difficult to achieve a rich sexual life. Once it is let go of however, the doors open to reveal a myriad of powerful and loving experience.

Limited function of the penis doesn't stop a man or their partner from enjoying each others bodies. When the mind stops relying on the strength of the erection and focuses more fully on the sensation of touch and sensuality - arousal and intimacy is the result.

Encourage each other to explore massage (particularly penis massage), all over tongue worship, edible oils, bondage (from very light blindfolds and cuffs to nipple clamps and spanking for example), fantasy, games, anal play and sex toys.

There are several toys that we recommend that can help achieve a fuller and stronger erection and that can be incorporated in to lovemaking or masturbation.

1. The Penis Pump.
Place the penis inside the pump, through the silicone sleeve. Squeeze the pump until you have created a vacuum inside the tube and you can't squeeze any more. The vacuum works to draw the blood to the penis and create an erection. If erection is achieved, use an erection ring to maintain it.
Using a pump as soon as you can post surgery, is a great way to open the blood flow through to the penis again. Regular use of it this way, without lovemaking in mind, can re-train the body to connect energy pathways and bloodflow.

2. Erection Rings.
The erection ring works best when placed around both the penis and testicles. If you have achieved an erection, use the ring to trap the blood inside and keep it from flowing back out too quickly. Spread some lubricant around the penis and testicles and stretch the ring fully so you can place everything through. It should fit nice and firmly without being too loose or too tight. Erection rings also intensify orgasm as the blood stays in the penis for longer.

3. Pulse.
The Pulse is a great toy that stimulates the head of the penis as well as the length, in particular the more sensitive frenulum through pulsing vibration. The flaccid penis can be placed on the toy, with the vibration working to achieve bloodflow around the head and shaft. This toy was originally designed using pulsation technology engineered by the medical industry, to help men with spinal injury to ejaculate and be fertile. The Pulse can be used to achieve erection or as a masturbating device to maintain sensation.

4. Cobra Libre.
In many ways, The Cobra is similar to The Pulse, but the vibration is concentrated solely at the head of the penis.The penis is placed inside the toy and the vibration stimulates the entire head.

5. Strap On Hollow Harness
When erection is impossible, a strap on harness can be used. The dildo is hollow so that a man can have his penis inside the dildo and still penetrate his partner.

When surgery, injections or drugs aren't an option for you, experiment with different lovemaking experiences, without orgasm and ejaculation being the goal.

As with all sexual changes, prostate cancer can provide an opportunity to find new ways of giving and receiving pleasure. Sometimes a loss of libido is experienced after prostate surgery. If this is affecting the quality of your relationships and you need further help, talk to your GP or contact The Cancer Council for help in dealing with these issues.

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PORN ROTS YOUR BRAIN...

... AND OTHER SEX-NEGATIVE PHALLACIES

Guest Blog by Rhonda, editor of Perks Magazine.

People make a lot of claims about the impact of using pornography, particularly internet pornography. The internet provides users with greater accessibility, affordability, anonymity and a sense of community, which can have significant benefits, such as normalising a greater variety of sexual interests, reducing isolation for sexual minorities and enabling individuals, particularly women, to explore their sexuality free from public scrutiny and shame.

Others claim these same factors can have negative effects, for instance, that pornography use creates unrealistic expectations about our bodieswhich has resulted in an increase in demand for cosmetic alterations like labiaplasty, breast augmentation and anal bleaching. Individuals report feeling pressured to engage in extreme and sometimes unsafe sexual activities to imitate what they see in porn, while others blame hardcore pornography for an increase in antisocial attitudes and behaviours, particularly towards women.

Recently articles have begun to appear about the negative impact of porn on younger men, who have had a high level of exposure to internet pornography from a very early age. Guys in their twenties report experiencing erectile dysfunction when porn is absent and that they feel disconnected from and dissatisfied with their real-life partners. Others claim to use internet pornography compulsively, which is often called porn addiction.

While a basis might exist for some (or all) of these claims, sifting through the social commentary and peer-reviewed literature is problematic. Multiple reports on the same issue, or its appearance on a number of online forums, suggests a social phenomenon, but it is difficult to know because when a topic exists in the media it tends to fuel further articles about the same subject. Similarly when people discuss an issue on a forum or ask a question in an advice column, it tends to inspire questions and responses from others around the same theme, which can create a false impression that the problem is quite widespread. When it comes to scientific studies and academic papers, the same is true. One study sparks further studies along the same lines, potentially creating the illusion that something has greater importance or prevalence than warranted.

Finding quality clinical evidence in this area is also difficult because many studies into the use of internet pornography rely upon convenience samples. Studies typically collect data from college students who volunteer to take part in online surveys for extra credit. Others focus on problem populations, such as convicted sex-offenders or couples and individuals seeking treatment for perceived porn addiction. This means their findings can’t be considered representative of the wider population and can give a distorted impression of reality.

In addition, studies into pornography use tend to consider populations at a point-in-time, so while researchers have been able to draw correlations between internet pornography use and positive or negative outcomes, they have not demonstrated cause and effect between the different variables. One such study found an association between women’s use of pornography and greater sexual satisfaction for couples. This could be the result of cognitive and emotional changes from exposure to pornography, or it could be that women who use pornography have more liberal attitudes to sex, higher sex drives and/or greater sexual agency. Similarly, men who used pornography more often reported being critical of their partners and engaging in sex less frequently, however their increased use of pornography could be a symptom of underlying dissatisfaction, not the other way around. The association alone does not give insight into cause and effect.

We know porn offers a sensory escape in the way some people turn to alcohol or gambling, yet where studies link excessive internet pornography use to anxiety and depression, pornography use is often seen as the primary presenting problem rather than a secondary symptom of someone who already suffers from anxiety and depression. Cause and effect has not been established and so studies of these populations may have skewed results.

Another claim commonly made in the media is that frequent pornography users need to escalate to more and more extreme material to get the same hit, that ‘overuse can deaden the subtlety of our sexual palates’ leaving users (typically men) dissatisfied and even dysfunctional when it comes to real-world sex. Clinically, however, we know very little about what material people choose to use, what material they come back to or move on from, and whether claims of escalation and lower partner satisfaction resulting from porn use have any basis.

To truly understand the impact of internet pornography use we need to consider more than these associations and anecdotal observations. We need to know what motivates people to use it, what material they choose to use, how they interpret that material cognitively and emotionally and whether this alters their attitudes and behaviour as individuals and in relationships over time.

While in the media we know that ‘evidence doesn’t generate as many clicks as hyperbole’, getting decent studies into internet pornography use funded, peer-reviewed and published in scientific and academic circles can be just as difficult. Attempts to study the impact of pornography use in a non-negative way can meet significant backlash. Finding participants for studies can also be difficult in a sex-negative culture if individuals aren’t comfortable disclosing the amount and type of pornography they consume. One study in the United States, for instance, found that twenty per cent of men who reported using pornography did not agree that its use was acceptable. This type of internal conflict could easily lead to distorted results in studies that rely on individuals self-reporting their pornography use.

So how should we treat the use of internet porn? In the absence of unbiased clinical evidence, we can only rely on logic, personal observation and judgement about what we use and how it makes us feel.

To combat dissatisfaction with reality, for instance, it might help to stay aware that porn is staged. Participants are actors performing particular scripts and much of what we see is equal to high-end stunts. Precautions such as enemas to remove all traces of faecal matter, vaccinations, STI screenings and clean-ups occur off-screen before the actors switch between anal, oral or vaginal intercourse for the camera. Sites like Make Love Not Porn go some way to providing a realistic perspective on porn, but ultimately it is up to us to keep in mind that what we view isn’t real, and not expect to emulate everything we see on-screen.

To counter the expectation that people look like what we see on-screen — cartoon-like creations with exaggerated features targeted to trigger particular psycho-sexual responses — it might help to become familiar with a variety of real-life body types and non-air-brushed genitalia.

Another logical suggestion to prevent porn dependence is not to rely on it exclusively for masturbation and to sometimes use only our imaginations.

For users experiencing disconnection from their partners, symptoms of erectile dysfunction when porn is absent, or who are otherwise worried about their porn use, the cold-turkey method of going without porn for six or so weeks is probably worth a try. Experts claim it can kick-start the brain to once again respond without extreme stimulation, which seems to make sense. And if it doesn’t work, at worst you will have missed out on six weeks’ worth of porn.

Lastly, be suitably sceptical of reports in the media and use your judgement about what works for you. Porn can have a valuable place for couples and individuals with many potential benefits, but without clinical evidence either way, it seems safest to experience porn mindfully, pleasurably, and in moderation.

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